Total Magic Wipeout
by Just Crucio It
Summary: Uther faces his worst nightmare; a school dedicated to teaching magic. Now it's up to him to put a stop to it. Crack-ish. The cover is by caldera32
1. The Art of Execution

Servants scurried out of the way as they watched the king of Camelot strut down the castle corridors with a spring in his step that was not common for the king and made him seem almost human. Of course, no one dared say anything for fear of losing their heads.

King Uther was indeed very happy. There had been a double execution that morning for a sorcerer who had been caught trying to heal his very sick and very pregnant wife and an old hag who had tried to make herself young and beautiful, he had gone hunting with Arthur, and Morgana had behaved just like an orphan girl depending on the king should.

Uther was so happy, in fact, that when he got to his chambers to retire for the night, he allowed his servant to prepare him for bed without accusing him of sorcery once.

He hopped into bed and blew out the candle before drifting off into the world of dreams.

He was in the woods, hunting a silver stag with his red cloak billowing behind him.

The stag suddenly ran through a cluster of bushes and trees and Uther had to get off his horse to follow after it.

He clumsily climbed through the foliage and found himself in a grove. He looked around but could not see the stag. Instead there was a very old man in a strange robe and pointy hat, with a very long beard.

"Oh hello, I wasn't expecting anyone in my little grove. It's very nice to meet you."

Uther decided he did not like this old man one bit. "I can not say that I feel the same. This is my dream and you are intruding. "

The old man just chuckled. "Or maybe this is my dream and you are the one intruding. It's very hard to tell. For all we know, I could be you dreaming about me and you could be me dreaming about you. Maybe we are both you and this is our self conscious trying to point out something important to us."

By now Uther was very confused. "What? You must be a sorcerer, they are always trying to confuse people to get them to bend to their will. Off with your head!"

At this point the silver stag made itself known and began running around Uthet and began to talk. "Dear Uther, you are going to drive yourself mad always thinking that everything is magic. And you Professor need a break from all this Voldemort business. You both need a vacation!"

Before Uther was able to voice any of his growing confusion, the world started to spin and he felt himself start to wake up.

But he did not wake up in his soft feathery bed like he expected. Instead he woke up on a throne and for a moment he thought he had fallen asleep during a council meeting. But then he noticed the tables of children below the throne and the adults seated around him. And then his eyes drifted upwards and he caught sight of the floating candles and see-through figures that appeared to be dead and Uther felt his worst nightmare come true.

He immediately jumped up from his seat and began to yell.

"Sorcery! Who ever is responsible for this will be executed immediately!"

* * *

So this is something new im trying. what do you guys think, should I continue it? I promise that the rest should be longer, this is just a prolouge of sorts.

I do not own Merlin or Harry Potter, im just playing around with them.


	2. To Be or Not to Be

Uther sat behind the desk in the big, but crowded, headmaster's office. He had to admit that he was impressed with the sorcerer's architecture even though he did not approve of the magical décor.

Across from him a woman paced back and forth a scolded him like he was a toddler caught stealing.

"Really Albus, you've become crazier and crazier these last few months. Now I know that the situation with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has gotten you very stressed out, but you need to think of the health of your-"

"You really must stop talking. I am your king, not some silly magic professor and you will treat me as such. Now kindly step away and allow my guards to chain and imprison you so that you can be executed."

The woman opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, not quite sure what to say. Finally she took a deep breath and started to respond, "Obviously the stress has started to make you mental. That's alright, I can deal with that. Your name is Albus Dumbledore and you are Headmaster of Hogwarts of witch craft and wizardry. You are a member of the Order of Merlin and leader of the Order of the Phoenix and currently trying to find and destroy Tom Riddle Jr. before he can gain control and start another war."

Uther let out a snort. How could this witch expect him to believe he was a sorcerer, running a magic school no less? Didn't she know magic was not permitted in Camelot?

He was about to voice all of this when he turned and caught a glimpse of himself in a long mirror on the wall. He let out a scream at what he saw there (It was a manly and kingly scream, no really it was) because in the mirror, there was a reflection, but not of Uther's face. Instead it was that of an old man, one with a really long beard. And not only that, but he recognized the face. It was the face of the man from his dream.

"So that sorcerer thinks he can steal my crown and my kingdom by taking away my face! Oh I hate magic!"

The woman, who had come forward to comfort Uther when she heard him scream, frowned and let out a low sigh. "I really don't know what's happened to you Albus. You should rest, when was the last time you slept?"

Uther was about to respond that he did not need to be fretted over by a witch, thank you very much, but suddenly an idea started to form in his head and instead, he smiled. "I apologize for worrying you, I guess you are right, I just need a good rest and I will feel better. "

She didn't look entirely convinced, but she nodded and left the room.

Once she was gone Uther let out a deep breath before smiling again and leaning back in the chair. If he was going to be stuck in a sorcerer's body until he could figure out how to return to his own, he might as well use that to his advantage. After all, he was now the Headmaster of a magic school, he could plant the idea that magic was evil into all of his students heads, and then control them all and get them to help him wipe out magic once and for all! And once that was finished, he could kill his magical followers and then he would rule the world!

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was having the time of his life.

He had woken up in a strange bed in a stranger's body, with the strangest rug he had ever seen on the floor. Of course, he had anticipated something like this happening when he had had that strange dream, but what he had not anticipated was that the other man in his dream was King Uther Pendragon. It came as quite a shock to him when a servant had come into his room with breakfast and a 'good morning My Lord' on his tongue.

The morning had been very busy. He had to look over a few documents and meet with some nobles who were positive that their daughters would be perfect wives for Prince Arthur.

Now he was currently listening to peasants share with him their problems and complaints. It was very fun for Albus to listen to their problems and make up stories for how their lives were.

"…And then the fire exploded and my wife went into labor, but she wasn't even with child to start with! It was sorcery, I know it was!"

Dumbledore could not help the laugh that escaped him. "Really? A sorcerer made your wife suddenly become 9 months pregnant and ready to pop? I have got to try that one, it would work wonders at parties!" The man in front of him frowned slightly and the guard on Albus' right let out a very fake cough.

"This is not a laughing matter! My wife was in pain for hours, and she didn't even give birth! You must catch the man who did this immediately Your Highness!"

"There really is nothing I can do. Now go and take your wife a chicken. I hear that meat can do wonders to a woman who has gone through child birth. Next!" The man looked very upset with this answer, but he bowed anyways before turning and walking out of the hall.

A woman stepped forward and began to speak, but a young man suddenly burst through the doors and made his way to the throne. "Father, we have found signs of sorcery in Embrough Village, would you like me to take my knights and exterminate the source?"

Dumbledore looked up to stare up at the boy. Father? His mind went through all he knew about muggle history. King Uther. If he remembered right, Uther was the father of the famous King Arthur. Albus smiled at that, where King Arthur was, Merlin must be. _If I am King, then that means that King Arthur is now just Prince Arthur. _

"Ah, Arthur, my dear son! It is so good to see you looking so well! We must spend time together, I don't think we spend enough. Together. I would love to chat with you but I really must speak with Merlin, Do you know where he is?"

Arthur immediately froze and stared at Dumbledore. "Why on earth would you want to speak with _Merl_in of all people?"

Now if Dumbledore was anyone but Dumbledore, he would have noticed the boy standing by Arthur's side looking extremely worried. But of course he was Dumbledore, so he did not notice.

"Why he's the Court Sorcerer, isn't he? I have every right to speak to my own Court Sorcerer."

* * *

**Sorry for the wait for this chapter. I hope it was ok, I've had a hard time with this chapter but boy was it fun to write. If anyone is out there, let me know what you thought. I'll hopefuly have the chapter out either next week or Saturday, but if not I apologize. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, followed, and Favorited, it really means alot. Good bye my lovelies and thanks for reading.**


	3. There's Something About Uther

Merlin was having the worst day ever. How did Uther know he had magic? He had been doing so well of keeping it a secret and he'd only been face to face with the king a couple of times, there was no way he could have known.

He stared at Arthur, trying to figure out his thoughts. Arthur was staring ahead at his father with an unreadable expression on his face, and for a minute Merlin thought he would believe Uther.

But then Arthur laughed and began to speak. "Really father, Merlin a sorcerer? I'd be more inclined to believe that _you _were a sorcerer before I'd believe that _mer_lin of all people had magic! If he did he'd be dead by now; he can't even relieve himself without letting everyone know! Isn't that right Merlin?"

Merlin was incredibly relieved he chose to let the insulting remark slip by. "Yes sire, it is definitely right!"

Uther had a surprised look on his face. "You mean you're Merlin?"

Now Merlin was insulted. Sure, he didn't talk to Uther all that much, but couldn't the king at least have the decency to match his face to his name before he accused him of sorcery?

He was about to respond when Arthur beat him to it.

"Of course it is father! Who else would it be?"

"But he's just a boy! And he doesn't even have a beard! I grew out mine just to be like him. And he's not even wearing robes! Couldn't you at least go and wear the proper attire before claiming to be Merlin?"

Now Merlin was insulted _and _confused. "I am sorry sire but I have no idea what you're talking about. Why on earth would I have a beard?"

Uther huffed something about ignorant boys and beards and maybe Merlin was just hearing things but he was positive he heard the king say 'Merlin's dirty underpants' more than once. Then he jumped out of his throne and ran to the door before shouting "everyone's dismissed" and then leaving the throne room.

Merlin raced to catch up to Gaius. "Do you have any idea what that was about?"

"No, I was hoping you might. Merlin my boy, you must be careful! It sounded like Uther is on to you."

"I know! But he thought I was an old man. Maybe he's just going crazy."

Gaius raised his eyebrow at him. "Maybe so, but that does not mean you get to be any less careful."

I promise I'll be careful. I've got to go now; Arthur's got to go get the knights ready to check out that town."

"Well then what are you doing standing here? You don't want to make Arthur wait."

Merlin flashed his mentor a grin before fleeing in the direction of Arthur.

* * *

He had sprinted to Arthur's chambers only to discover that the prat wasn't even there. He'd then been to the stables and training ground and had gotten the same result. Now he was wandering around the halls trying to find his master.

"Really, that pig head couldn't have waited for me? No, he's the stupid prince so he gets to run off to wherever he bloody well pleases. Who needs Merlin anyways?"

So caught up in his ramblings was Merlin that he paid no attention to where he was going until he ran into someone.

He looked up to apologize but was shocked into silence when he realized that the person he had run into had been the king himself.

Merlin closed his eyes to prepare himself for the scolding of his life but when he opened them again, it was even worse than he'd imagined; Uther was smiling.

"Merlin! Just the person I was looking for! Come with me and let us have a chat."

Now Merlin was incredibly nervous. _He knows, the king knows! Merlin, you idiot, how could you let this happen? _"Well… You see… I-I would love to stay and chat but I really must find Prince Arthur. Terribly sorry M'lord."

Then Merlin ran without looking back once.

* * *

He didn't stop until he had reached Gaius' chambers.

"Gaius, I am dead! He knows, I know he does."

But it wasn't Gaius who was waiting for him. No, it was the Prince of Prats himself.

"Who knows what, _Mer_lin? And why aren't you helping me get ready for our trip to Embrough?"

"W-Well you see there's this chicken coop-yes a chicken coop- down in the lower town and I was trying to…to… to teach the chickens tricks! Yes teach the chickens tricks, but the farmer didn't like the idea so I had to do it in secret but know he knows and he's threatened to hang me by my entrails!"

Arthur's face grew incredulous. "You were teaching chickens tricks?"

"Um yes?"

"And now there's a man threatening to hang you by your entrails?"

"Yes."

Arthur broke out laughing. "Oh only you Merlin. At least you're good at entertaining me."

Merlin allowed himself to break out into a relieved smile. "It is a bit silly, isn't it?"

"Yes Merlin, it is. But don't come to me for protection, you brought this upon yourself. Now go prepare the horses, we are leaving at once." And with that Arthur left the room.

Merlin shook his head. Arthur really was gullible. Ah well. It made things a lot easier for him.


	4. Old Age Makes You Bonkers

**Next chapter, finally! Thanks a ton for my wonderful beta, katierosefun.**

* * *

Lily had never heard something so outrageous in her life, and she was friends with the Murauders.

Dumbledore must have gone insane. And by the looks of things, she wasn't the only one who thought so. After the headmaster had made his little 'announcement,' Mcgonogal had whispered something in Slughorn's ear and taken Dumbledore out of the Great Hall.

The potion's professor had gotten up awkwardly, cleared his throat, and announced that it was time to eat.

Now all of the students were stuffing their faces and it seemed like Lily was the only one who was still worried.

Mary must have seen her expression because she tore off a piece of her roll and threw it at the red head. "Oi! What're you daydreaming about?"

Lily whipped her head around so fast, she gave herself a head ache. "Ow! Nothing really. Just thinking about what Dumbledore said."

Mary's eyes widened and she nodded. "Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it? I mean, why would Dumbledore execute someone for magic? And why would he want to execute someone period? It's not like we live in the dark ages, even if we do live in a castle."

Lily nodded; this had been mostly what she had been thinking and she began to smile, but she felt someone plop into the seat next to her. "Hello Evans. What did you think about Dumbledore's 'speech'? Bonkers, wasn't it? Me and the boys think he's lived to long, he's gonna be thinking he's met Merlin, next."

She rolled her eyes, but she couldn't stop the little giggle that came out and she tried to ignore the smug look on James' face. "Hello Potter. Where are the boys, anyways?"

"Oh, that's a story. Sirius is in the hospital wing, Peter's seated by his bedside as if he's on his death bed, and Remus is…" He paused here and his eyes widened. "You know what? I don't know where Remus is."

Lily gasped. "Hospital wing? But it's only the first night back."

James laughed. "He tried to hit on a 4th year Ravenclaw and she broke three of his ribs with the nastiest curse I've ever seen. Flitwick gave her detention for the next three months but I think she thought it was worth it."

Across the table, Mary laughed and tossed her brown hair over her shoulder. "Definitely worth it. Black needs to be taken down a peg or too."

James turned around in surprise, and his smile widened when he saw Mary. "Mcdonald! How was your summer?"

For some reason, Lily's stomach began to turn unpleasantly and she instantly hated James smile. She stood up from the table with some sort of excuse on her lips and strode out of the great hall.

She walked to Gryffindor tower, distracted by thoughts of Dumbledore. She liked to think she was a smart person, and she just knew something was off about the headmaster; she was going to find it out, no matter what.

Lily practically ran to the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning. She had Potions first class with the Ravenclaws and she was so excited she thought she might actually burst.

She hurried over to the Gryffindor table and plopped down beside Remus Lupin, the only one of her friends already seated and her fellow Prefect.

He looked up at her as she sat down. "Hello Lily, sleep well?"

Lily smiled at him. He was always so polite. "Yep. Really excited for potions. So Sirius still in the hospital wing then?"

Remus laughed. "Yeah, I really have no sympathy for him. It was his own fault."

She nodded in agreement and immediately began to eat.

Soon all the six year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws were seated in the dungeons and listening to Professor Slughorn tell a story about an interesting time a student ate an eye of newt and was unconscious for over a week.

Suddenly the dungeon door banged open and Proffesor Dumbledore walked in.

The students all looked to him eagerly, glad to have a reprieve from Slughorn's disturbing tale and Lily found herself taking in a deep breath.

Her mind filled with possibilities of what the headmaster could possibly have to say, each one more worrying than the next.

The headmaster nodded to Slughorn then moved forward till he was standing in the middle of the room.

"I hope you have all enjoyed your first day back because you may not get many more enjoyable days."

The students all gasped and broke out into whispers, but Dumbledore just rose his hand and silence once again reigned.

"Good. You see, we live in a dangerous place. A castle filled with magic, really we are just asking for bad things to happen. I hope to have this fixed in no time however, so you should all not worry."

This caused more whispering and even Professor Slughorn looked worried.

The bearded sorcerer turned to the Potions Master. "This is where you keep strange potions, correct?"

"Um... Y-yes, right in that cupboard over there." Dumbledore nodded and walked over to the cupboard Slughorn had motioned towards and searched through it, mumbling occasionally.

Finally he shouted with joy and moved back into the room, clutching a bottle in his hand. "This will do, thank you very much. Back to learning your evil lessons everyone." And then he left the room.

The class was left in silence until it was broken by James Potter. "Looks like Dumbledore's finally cracked. He's gone absolutely nutters."

And Lily Evans couldn't help but agree.

* * *

Uther moved through the corridors with a smile on his face and a vial clutched in his palm. He had never been happier.

He nodded at students as he passed and watched with glee as they looked at him with fear. Who knew being the headmaster of a magic school could be so much fun? Uther certainly didn't.

The king whistled all the way back to his office, his blue robes trailing behind him.

Once he reached his destination, he recited the password the woman, now known to be Minerva, had given him and strode over to his desk. He passed that pesky fire bird and patted it on the head.

"Who's a repulsive magic bird? You are, yes you are!" The bird didn't seem to like that very much because he squawked at Uther and tried to bite him, but Uther didn't particularly care.

He sat behind his big desk and finally let himself look at the poison in his hand. His mouths curled into a wicked grin. Finally, his plan was in motion.


End file.
